Made Broken

There’s this thing I want. I want it more than my breath. This is unhealthy, I know. That doesn’t stop the wanting. I know it will never be mine, but I can’t help but wonder how I can make it work.

These are the irrational thoughts of my mind warring with my heart. You weaseled your way in and shattered it to pieces.

The feel of you in my arms remains vivid. The feel of your lips on mine, a sweet memory. I’ve made a fool of myself believing your words, and yet I still stand at your back for all the love I have in me for you.

I’d poured out all of me for you and you twisted it into something painful. Over and over you lied and schemed and made me hurt. My tears fall forever and you don’t cherish a single one. Like the shattered pieces of my heart, they are just a drop in the sea.

Your sweet words spoke to me in such a way that I was ready to give up everything for you. I would have bowed at your feet, been the woman you’d love and made it my life’s ambition to keep you smiling. But you aren’t alone. And you’ll never be. Even if you’re really unhappy, you’re too selfish to leave. You held my heart in your hands and let me fall.

Even as I watch this and scream from the inside, one fact remains. I’ll never be the same again. I’ll either grow bitter and give up on love, or I’ll settle for something less than what I want. Now that I know, I feel even more alone.

I love you enough to want your happiness, I just can’t sit around to see it. I’ll have to say goodbye eventually because I want you to be my happiness enough to be the nasty hag that isn’t me.

Sandra Easter


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